You know you’re a Montrealer when…

from Facebook group by the same name, linked here. I removed the ones Jon and I weren’t yet familiar with.

  • you pronounce it “Muntreal”, not “Mahntreal”
  • you have ever said anything like “I have to stop at the guichet before we go to the dep.”
  • your only concern about jaywalking is getting a ticket
  • you understand and frequently use terms like “unilingual”, “anglophone”, “francophone”, and “allophone”
  • you agree that Montreal drivers are crazy, but you’re secretly proud of their nerves of steel
  • the most exciting thing about the South Shore is that you can turn right on a red
  • you know that the West Island is not a separate geographical formation
  • in moments of paranoia, you think that there’s no red line on the Metro because red is a federalist colour
  • you have to bring smoked meat from Schwartz’s and bagels from St-Viateur if you’re visiting anyone west of Cornwall
  • you know how to pronounce Pie IX
  • you have an ancient auntie who still says “Saint Dennis”
  • you believe to the depth of your very being that Toronto has no soul – but your high school reunion is held in Toronto because most of your classmates live there now
  • you greet everyone, from lifelong bosom friends to some one you met once a few years ago, with a two-cheek kiss
  • you know what a four-and-a-half is
  • you’re not impressed with hardwood floors
  • you’ve been hearing Celine Dion jokes longer than anyone else
  • you can watch soft-core porn on broadcast TV, and this has been true for at least 25 years
  • you were drinking cafe-au-lait before it was latte
  • Shopper’s Drug Mart is Pharmaprix and Staples is Bureau en Gros, and PFK is finger lickin’ good
  • you really believe Just For Laughs is an international festival
  • for two weeks a year, you are a jazz afficianado
  • you need to be reminded by prominent signage that you should wait for the green light
  • everyone on the street – drivers, pedestrians, and cyclists – think they’re immortal, and that you’ll move first
  • you’re proud that Montreal is the home of Pierre Trudeau, Mordechai Richler, William Shatner, Leonard Cohen and the Great Antonio…
  • and, you consider Donald Sutherland (and by default, Keifer), Guy Lafleur, Charlie Biddle, and Roch Carrier Montrealers, too
  • you’ve seen Brother Andre’s heart

  • you know the difference between the SQ, the SAQ, and the SAAQ (well, we know what “SAQ” is)
  • you measure temperature and distance in metric, but weight and height in Imperial
  • you show up at a party at 11 p.m. and no one else is there yet
  • you know that Montreal is responsible for introducing the following to North America: bagels, souvlaki, smoked meat and Supertramp
  • you don’t drink pop or soda, you drink soft drinks
  • you have graduated from high school and have a degree, but you’ve never been in grade 12
  • there has to be at least 30 cm of snow on the ground in less than 24 hours for you to consider it too snowy to drive
  • You know that your city’s reputation for beautiful women is based on centuries-old couplings between French soldiers and royally-commissioned whores (aka Les Filles du Roi). (from what Jon and I understood, they were not prostitutes by trade, if they are discussing the same thing)
  • you’ve been to the Tam Tams, and know they have nothing to do with wee Scottish hats
  • you discuss potholes like most people discuss weather
  • most homeless people you encounter are bilingual
  • while watching an American made-for-TV movie, you realize that “Vienna” is actually Old Montreal, that “New York” is actually downtown and that the “The Futuristic City” is actually Habitat ’67
  • you find it amusing when people from outside Quebec compliment you on how good your English is
  • you have yet to understand a single announcement made on the Metro PA system, no matter what the language
  • you think of Old Montreal as nothing but a bunch of over-priced restaurants, old buildings and badly paved streets (we don’t completely agree with that, but we know it’s a popular opinion)
  • you don’t find American comedians speaking “gibberish” French even remotely funny
  • you don’t find it weird that there’s a strip club on every corner downtown
  • you like your pizza all-dressed
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